faith....

Growing up in an environment that revolves around Christianity gave me confusions with faith. Being schooled in christian school my whole life I did not even realize I have been questioning faith growing up. The elders always dismiss my questions thus I was bound to get the answers at school which made me slowly realize what is it all about...Thanks to my teachers, the lessons and the beings of faith that guided me. 

At age 24, I was sitting one Sunday at church it seems like I am there but felt empty, that I question myself why I was there. I can't even understand what the priest was saying. For me that was the pinnacle of time that my heart is answering to God who has been knocking for a long time and asking me if He could come in because He felt cold outside.

Several noted people questioned me and said straight to my face that for them I look like someone who do not have faith in God. One of my mentor who happens to be a pastor's wife told me one time that she thought I was someone who is not religious that's why she asked me to attend their church. A friend who is devoted to his faith always felt indifferent towards me and see's me as a skeptic. As usual, typical me I just didn't care because I believe that I have to respect other people's belief and faith this is one of the lessons I carried I learned from studying religion for 20 years. 

At present I no longer practice CATHOLIC faith whatever that means for people who I thought would understand me as I thought they are devoted christians. When I told this to my family, mixed reactions was expressed towards me. But the gist of it was what I was doing is a SIN...Aren't catholics christians? This is my answer to their question WHY... I have never felt closer to God than I've ever been my whole life. It was the first time that I bought a bible let alone open and read it. I felt free, happier a feeling of contentment and peace that I have never experienced.

waiting...

Okay I have a few minutes to fill up this page before my bath is ready...
Just remembered it has been awhile since I did this. Soaking in the tub and just relaxing while reading a book. One of my pamper my skin regimen LOL!

Today I just greeted my guy friend for his birthday, is he my friend? Don't know really, I've known D since I was on diapies hehehe...We grew up together, went to the same school from preschool until University cool eh? But we never hang out and we're not even with the same click. He hang out with the "cool" ritzy kids in town. While I hang out with anybody hahahaha

Family wants us to end up together? Probably that's a reason why I didn't hang out with him that much. But as I was reminiscing, we always keep in touch either just accidentally see each other somewhere or send messages through phone or facebook hahahaha

Am kinda confused right now, recently we keep in touch more often than usual...asking him how he is and telling him whats happening with my life. Is this normal? Can't explain, don't wanna assume or expect anything cuz I definitely know that he is mending a broken heart.

Probably this is just a way for me to console him? aaargh!

Hearing is different from listening

Went to church tonight...got an amazing message from pastor M which kinda answered my questions.
I'm asking myself what is really my purpose? aaaaaaand booom! I got my answer...LISTEN! That's the message, but is someone going to show me the way? No?! whaaat? why when how? LOL

At the end what matters really is what my heart and soul is telling me right now...be an instrument of change ohwa!!!! Me? that's so freakin deep man! So can I do it? Am I up to the challenge of setting up a program to help ? Baby steps just baby steps, okay this christmas just a few hundred dollars to save NO SHOPPING!!!! I mean it! 

So if I go through with my reaching out to change then I have to stay but can I handle 1-2 more confusing years at work? Okay okay I gotta have a job to finance this plan got it!

empty...

Just woke up...hmm I feel cold. Why is it so quiet did I forget to turn off the air conditioner ? Weird I can't hear lola or mama's voice? Opened my eyes looked around...stupid! You left home 4 years ago!!!

I have to remind myself yet again I'm living alone in the cold white north!!!

Can't rest my soul lately...Did I do the right thing? Venture out on my own? Am I really happy with how my career is going? Do I love my job? Hell yeah! I can buy anything I want without asking money from mader or pader...But why do I feel empty? Why do I feel I have to do something? Am I going to live like this forever?

Huh! echo!!!! I'll try to busy my confused mind..online shopping? WOW look at that bag and shoes ooh lalala! paypal paypal paypal...hold on wait? !!!!!!! Do I really need it? Alright no I DO NOT NEED IT I WON'T DIE WITHOUT A NEW BAG...hmm I'll just use my extra money for a more worthwhile cause.

Christmas is around the corner, ALA! I didn't start to fill my "BALIKBAYAN BOX" and "techy" I remembered asked me if I needed the bubble wraps for my box filling this Christmas.

Ding! head lights on!!! este light bulb pala LOL. I haven't done charity work lately? brilliaaaaaaant, I'll save up money for pa-Christmas. Better contact "OINK2" if she wants to volunteer since she's busy doing nothing lately hehehehe